Borang dan isinya

oleh Hishamuddin Rais

Saya adalah manusia yang paling segan untuk mengisi borang. Atau lebih
tepat lagi saya malas mengisi borang. Saya tidak tahu dari mana perangai malas
mengisi borang ini muncul. Seingat saya dari zaman bersekolah rendah lagi
saya cukup tidak suka mengisi borang. Saya tidak tahu apakah ada lagi
orang-orang lain dalam dunia ini yang semalas saya dalam hal mengisi
borang.

Kerana perangai malas hendak mengisi borang ini maka saya tidak pernah cuba
memasuki apa-apa jenis pertandingan. Saya tidak pernah memohon apa-apa
projek. Tidak pernah ingin melamar kerja. Kerana selalunya dalam
pertandingan, minta projek atau melamar kerja kita diwajibkan mengisi
borang yang berjela-jela. Apa tujuan mengumpul data ini tidak pula saya ketahui.
Nama, tarikh lahir, tempat kelahiran, nama ibu, nama ayah, tinggi, jantina,
warna rambut dan pelbagai macam maklumat yang dikhendaki diisi ke dalam
borang.

Kali terakhir saya mengisi borang dengan agak serius ialah semasa saya
mendaftar diri untuk masuk ke Universiti Malaya. Macam-macam yang
dikehendaki - bukan sahaja keputusan Higher School Certificate, tarikh saya
bersunat pun dikhendaki sama. Semenjak dari itu saya berjanji saya tidak
akan ambil 'pot' lagi dalam hal ehwal mengisi borang ini.

Semasa saya tinggal di Belgium dan berulang alik ke London saya cukup bosan
mengisi borang kad - Embarkation dan Disembarkation - semasa melintasi
pelabuhan Dover atau Ostend. Nama, jantina, alamat, tarikah lahir daan
warga negara - semua perlu diisi ke dalam borang visa. Satu ketika kerana terlalu
bosan mengisi borang yang telah berpuluh-puluh kali diisi, lalu saya
menulis - Not enough of it - diruang SEX dalam borang visa ini. Pegawai imigrisen
British di Dover tidak melihat ini sebagai lawak. Tetapi ini berlaku
ditahun 80an bukan di era Osama. Kalau sekarang saya lakukan mungkin saya akan
ditendang keluar atau ditahan sebagai penjenayah seks.
Pegawai imigrisen itu dengan serius menyuruh saya mengisi satu lagi borang
yang baru.

Mari kita fikirkan - apakah betul-betul ada gunanya borang-borang yang
telah diisi ini. Rasa saya ini kerja yang sia-sia. Jika orang Indon ingin masuk
ke Malaysia secara haram pasti ada cara lain. Tidak ada borang yang akan dapat
menahan kesampaian mereka. Atau jika seorang Amoi dari Xian, China yang
telah dijual sebagai pelacur di Bukit Bintang, tidak mungkin Minah ini akan
dapat diselamatkan melalui borang yang telah diisinya di KLIA.

Tiga tahun dahulu Japan Foundation telah menjemput saya untuk melamar
menjadi felo di sebuah universiti di Tokyo. Sebenarnya saya tertarik juga
untuk bertandang ke Tokyo tetapi apabila saya melihat borang yang wajib
diisi hati saya menjadi tawar. Selain dari tarikh lahir dan jantina, saya
juga perlu membutirkan tulisan-tulisan, diploma dan ijazah yang saya
miliki. Tahun berapa, universiti mana dan pangkat berapa.
Kerana malas mengisi borang lalu saya tuliskan - sila google Hishamuddin
Rais - semuanya data tersimpan lengkap. Japan Foundation ini pun tidak ada
sense of humour - old school. Hasilnya, saya tidak mendapat biasiswa
tersebut.

Kerana pengalaman ini saya terfikir untuk membuat satu CD tentang biodata
saya. Apabila diminta mengisi borang maka saya akan serahkan CD ini tanpa
perlu mengisi borang. Rasa saya cara ini lebih selamat dan tidak membuang
masa.

Ketika saya ditahan di Kamunting dahulu adalah zaman yang paling banyak
saya mengisi borang. Borang pertama di Balai Polis Sentul, borang kedua di
tempat tahanan sulit - kemudian saya terus-menerus mengisi borang tidak
berhenti-henti. Pindah ke bilik yang lain saya wajib mengisi borang baru.
Pindah ke penjara yang baru satu lagi borang wajib diisi.
Banyangkan berapa banyak pokok yang telah tumbang untuk dijadikan kertas
agar saya dapat mengisi borang.

Apa jadinya dengan semua borang-borang yang telah diisi ini? Berapa tahun
agaknya borang ini akan disimpan. Saya akui jika borang ini di United
Kingdom atau di Australia mungkin ianya akan tersimpan lama. Ini terbukti
kerana keputusan peperiksaan Tony Blair semasa dia dalam darjah lima pun
masih ada dalam simpanan sekolah lamanya. Ini budaya barat yang bersalut
dengan sejarah. Tetapi di Malaysia - negara yang tidak memiliki nilai
sejarah - rasa saya dalam dua tiga bulan borang- borang ini akan hilang
lesap.

Tidak percaya? Buktinya - saya telah mendengar banyak cerita tentang borang
hilang. Borang ini hilang bukan kerana telah lama disimpan.
Borang yang baru dihantar pun boleh lesap entah ke mana. Tanyalah
sahabat-handai dan kenalan kita, pasti mereka akan becerita tentang kes-kes
borang hilang setelah dihantar ke pejabat. Bila saya mendengar kesah borang
hilang saya merasa cukup kasihan kepada si Mamat yang terpaksa bersusah
payah mengulang mengisi borang sekali lagi.

Kadang-kadang borang ini perlu dilengkapkan dengan satu gambar kecil.
Nah bayangkan siapa agaknya yang akan melihat gambar ini. Mengisi borang
dengan gambar ini sering dijadikan syarat apabila melamar kerja. Borang
melamar kerja ini untuk saya lebih teruk dari mengisi borang di Abu Gharib.
Keputusan dari darjah satu, SPR, LCE, SPM, hingga ke tahun akhir di
universiti semuanya perlu ditulis kembali. Kemudian isikan pula sukan apa
yang dicampuri, persatuan apa, hobi apa dan seribu satu soalan yang wajib
diisi. Hanya data tentang warna seluar dalam sahaja yang tidak diminta.

Mari kita menjadi manusia jujur - berapa ramaikah si Mamat yang mendapat
kerja kerana cekap mengisi borang. Bukankah calon-calon ini akan juga
dipanggil untuk ditemubual jadi apa perlunya gambar dan fakta-fakta remeh
ini. Kenapa kita - orang dewasa - suka menyeksa anak-anak muda ini walhal
kita sendiri tahu peluang mendapat perkerjaan lebih cerah bukan bukan
melalui mengisi borang tetapi hasil dari temubual. Ramai juga mendapat
peluang kerja bukan kerana borang tetapi kerana jaringan-jaringan pribadi.

Minggu lepas saya diwajibkan mengisi borang. Saya tidak banyak pilihan
kerana saya diwajibkan membuka akaun di bank. Saya belum memiliki akaun
bank kerana - pertama saya malas hendak mengisi borang. Kedua - saya tidak
memerlukan bank akaun kerana saya tidak memiliki duit untuk disimpan.
Lainlah kesnya jika saya telah mendapat permit AP, pasti saya akan bergegas
ke bank untuk mengisi semua borang yang perlu diisi. Bank akaun ini dibuka
bukan kerana saya memiliki duit tetapi untuk membuktikan bahawa saya adalah
rakyat Malaysia kerana memiliki bank akaun. Ini salah satu tanda yang saya
'patriotik' terutama dalam bulan Ogos ini.

Sebenarnya, saya merasa terseksa semasa mengisi borang bank ini. Saya perlu
mengisi pelbagai butir diri termasuk agama saya. Saya hairan apa perlunya
diketahui agama pelanggan dengan akaun bank ini. Apakah jika telah
diketahui jenis agama saya maka bererti duit yang saya masukkan ke bank ini semuanya
duit halal dan bukan duit rasuah? Apa akan terjadi jika saya mengatakan
bahawa saya pengikut Ayah Pin atau belum memiliki agama? Semua ini adalah
soalan-soalan cepu emas yang masih belum terjawab.

Memang banyak betul ruang yang perlu saya isi. Nasib saya agak baik kerana
saya telah dibantu oleh seorang pegawai bank yang baik hati setelah melihat
saya terkia-kial dengan pen. Kalau tidak, mungkin saya perlu bermalam di
bank ini kerana tidak kecukupan masa untuk mengisi sebuah borang.

Tempat akhir yang wajib saya isi ialah ruang - Apa Nama Yang Ingin
Dipanggil. Di ruang ini ada tertera - Tuan, Encik, Puan, Datuk, Datin, Tan
Sri, Datuk Seri, Datuk Paduka, Tun dan seribu satu jenis pangkat yang wujud
di Malaysia. Bila terlihat ruang ini, dengan cepat saya tersenyum dan
berfikir inilah peluang saya untuk menjadi Datuk Seri.
Lalu saya menandakan Datuk Seri untuk tambahan panggilan nama saya.
Apabila bank ini menghantar surat kepada saya nanti maka bank ini akan
menulis Datuk Seri dipermulaan nama saya.

Ha ha ha, baru sekarang saya sedar bahawa di Malaysia ini bukan sahaja
Sultan dan Agung yang memberikan darjah kebesaran - bank pun boleh
memberikan kita pangkat Datuk atau Datuk Seri. Sekarang semuanya jelas
kenapa di negara kita ini terlalu ramai Datuk, Datin, Tan Sri dan Tun.
Ini kerana ramai pelanggan bank ini yang telah diberi darjah kebesaran.
Saya juga merasa begitu bangga kerana saya kini bertaraf Datuk Seri.
Inilah kali pertama saya merasa berbaloi mengisi borang. Saya telah menjadi
Datuk Seri sekarang dan saya masih lagi menunggu surat pertama dari bank
ini.

Life's Like That...

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake m e at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

A Memory: White Lake Field Trip

Honnie and Gary
Originally uploaded by swisscobalt.

It was the best field trip ever with nice professor, a cool TA, and crazy friends!

We went to a remote place somewhere in Ontario, Canada for a week to study its geology over the areas. The place was on the East of Sault St Marie..I think. It was late April of 2004, yet the place we went was still cold and snowy.

The first day was started with a rainy day, a perfect time to go hiking and doing some mapping :P The rocks were so damn slippery (read: they're already covered with moss) Our map was already wet 10 minutes after we started. There was no point writing on it, it was completely torn away. So we just followed our instructor trying to understand like a million rock formations on the areas. Some are still in my head; maybe I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life. Missisagi and Bar River Formation. Lol!

For the next 4 days, we started our days at 7am and finished around 5pm. Some groups that were lost had to spent their night on the field..Just kidding! They came back of course. We only supplied with topo maps, aerial photos, ruler, and our trusted Brunton compass. Isn’t it cool? No it’s not. I think it’s crazy. We spent 8 hours during the day, everyday, hiking and making traverse and spent the night transferring all the strikes and dips onto a blank map.

I think everyone broke tears (really!) and sweat doing this kind of work. Some experienced pretty nice blisters, some fell into a chest deep swamp and some were lost for more than 2 hours on the mountains! In the end, we really learned to work in groups and experienced a true life of geologists

Thank you Gary and Honnie. They such a great host!

Erotic images can turn you blind

Researchers have finally found evidence for what good Catholic boys have known all along – erotic images make you go blind. The effect is temporary and lasts just a moment, but the research has added to road-safety campaigners’ calls to ban sexy billboard-advertising near busy roads, in the hope of preventing accidents.

The new study by US psychologists found that people shown erotic or gory images frequently fail to process images they see immediately afterwards. And the researchers say some personality types appear to be affected more than others by the phenomenon, known as “emotion-induced blindness”.

David Zald, from Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, and Marvin Chun and colleagues from Yale University in Connecticut, showed hundreds of images to volunteers and asked them to pick a specific image from the rapid sequence. Most of the images were landscape or architectural scenes, but the psychologists included a few emotionally charged images, portraying violent or sexually provocative scenes.

The closer these emotionally charged images occurred prior to the target image, the more frequently people failed to spot the target image, the researchers found.

“We observed that people failed to detect visual images that appeared one-fifth of a second after emotional images, whereas they can detect those images with little problem after neutral images,” Zald says.
Primitive brain

“We think there is essentially a bottleneck for information processing and if a certain type of stimulus captures attention, it can jam up the bottleneck so subsequent information can’t get through,” Zald explains. “It appears to happen involuntarily. The stimulus captures attention and once allocated to that particular stimulus, no other stimuli can get through” for several tenths of a second.

He believes that a primitive part of the brain, known as the amygdala, may play a part. That region is involved in evaluating sensory input according to its emotional relevance and has an autonomic role, influencing heart rate and sweating.

“It is possible that emotionally-charged stimuli produce preferential rapid routing of the impulse that bypasses the slower cortical route via the amygdala," Zald told New Scientist. "Patients with amygdala lesions pick out the target image without reacting to violent images, although they show normal blindness reactions when sexual images are introduced, which suggests another mechanism may also be involved.”
Harm avoiders

The researchers think emotion-induced blindness could lead to drivers simply not seeing another car or pedestrian if they have just witnessed an emotionally charged scene, such as an accident or sexually explicit billboard.

The effect could exacerbate the more obvious problem of drivers simply being distracted by large, arresting images. "It's the responsibility of drivers to ensure that when they are behind the wheel they keep their eyes on the job in hand," says a spokeswoman from Brake, a UK road safety organisation.

And some people are more vulnerable than others. The study assessed participants using a personality questionnaire, rating them according to their level of “harm avoidance”. Those scoring highly were more fearful, careful and cautious; those scoring low were more carefree and more comfortable in difficult or dangerous situations.

The researchers found that those with low harm avoidance scores were better able to stay focused on a target image than those with high harm avoidance scores.

“People who are more harm avoidant may not be detecting negative stimuli more than other people, but they have a greater difficulty suppressing that information,” Zald suggests.

The Brake spokeswoman says companies should think about the consequences of placing emotionally charged billboards at dangerous road junctions: “We should be concerned if drivers are experiencing split-second breaks in concentration, which could result in an accident or death on the roads.”

Journal reference: Psychonomic Bulletin and Review (August 2005 issue)

Court rules in favor of fat man in a Merc

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German court has ruled that Mercedes must release a man from a car lease deal after a dispute over whether he was too heavy to drive the luxury vehicle, Bild newspaper reported Tuesday.

Mercedes refused to release the insurance salesman from a lease agreement on his S-320 CDI model, arguing the multiple car breakdowns caused by his weight were insufficient grounds to break the deal.

But the Stuttgart court ruled in favor of the salesman, named only as Frank S., apparently on the grounds that the car should have been able to take his weight.

Frank S. was told that at 160 kg (352 pounds) he weighed twice as much as the average driver, Bild said.

"They told me that I was too fat for the car because the seat was broken," he told Bild, in a story next to a picture of the east German squeezing behind the steering wheel of the model Bild said was worth 65,000 euros.

"I could hardly fit behind the steering wheel ... Then I had to take the car back to the shop for repairs 13 times for 21 different malfunctions in the first 20,000 km."

The 37-year-old said he got fed up and wanted to return the car but Mercedes refused to release him from his lease contract.

A court in Stuttgart ruled that DaimlerChrysler had to let him out of the agreement.

The salesman, who switched to a Volkswagen, would sue to get back the leasing payments he made, Bild said.

Wrong Email

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided
to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail
address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 1 June 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW ......

Yours loving,
Hubby